Saturday, October 14, 2017

A Modest Proposal for Dealing with the National Anthem Protests

On Sunday, Vice President Mike Pence abruptly left the 49ers-Colts game because the teams stink in an expression of displeasure over the demonstration that occurred during the national anthem.

In response to the news of the vice president's dramatic walk-out, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones asserted that any of his players who fail to stand at attention during the performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner" would be exiled to the bench.

But Pence and Jones are simply riding the red-white-and-blue coattails of the man who resurrected this issue in the past month: President Donald Trump.

Trump, a WWE Hall of Famer who courageously broke through the "stick to sports" barrier that had long silenced prominent athletes when he won the presidency in 2016, is most famous in football circles for his remarkable run in the USFL. During his tenure as owner of the New Jersey Generals, Trump developed a sharp eye for quarterback talent. According to a Sports Illustrated feature by Tim Rohan, Trump boldly rejected the assessment of his coaching staff to select Randall Cunningham in the USFL Draft. He picked Doug Flutie instead. When Flutie failed to perform at a high level, Trump did what any fervent free market disciple would do: he demanded a bailout.

Rohan writes:
Not halfway through the season, a publicist named John Barron, who said he was “vice president of the Trump Organization,” called the wire services and went on a rant about the deal. He said the other owners had asked Trump to sign Flutie “for the good of the league,” and that they had made a verbal agreement with Trump to help pay for the part of the contract.
“When a guy goes out and spends more money than a player is worth,” Barron told the press, “he expects to get partial reimbursement from the other owners.” Trump later said Barron was misquoted and that he had never said he had paid Flutie more than he was “worth.”
The Washington Post recently reported that, around that time, Trump would call reporters masquerading as a publicist named “John Barron.”
Trump's brilliant stewardship of the Generals undoubtedly affords him substantial currency among NFL executives. When this fluent speaker of "locker room talk" holds court on personnel matters, they ought to listen:


Can we just pause here to marvel at this man's mellifluous elocution? I apologize for my pedantic vocabulary, but, like President Trump, I went to Penn. That makes me, like, a really smart person. I also know the best words. And I cannot be prouder of my alma mater's role in the cultivation of this unique mind.

Notwithstanding his eloquence, President Trump made an irrefutable point about the ongoing national anthem protests by athletes at sporting events. "That's a total disrespect of our heritage," Trump remarked. "That's a total disrespect of everything that we stand for."
Unfortunately, athletes have frequently dragged our flag and our military. Consider the following sentiment from former Arizona Cardinals safety Pat Tillman:
One thing I find myself despising is the sight of all these guns in the hands of children. Of course we all understand the necessity of defense....It doesn't diminish the fact that a young man I would not trust with my canteen is walking about armed.... (John Krakauer, Where Men Win Glory, 171).
That Tillman fellow has no respect for our troops. He's just like Colin Kaepernick!
Finally, we have a commander-in-chief who is willing to call out the shameful behavior of football players who dare to take a knee in a moment when they should be exhibiting reverence. There are only two times when it's appropriate to kneel: when you're in church, and when you're lining up in victory formation!

Americans should be grateful that President Trump has taken time from his busy schedule of golfing and cable news consumption to defend our culture and values from the dual threat of privileged athletes and whiny liberals. Recently, Trump bemoaned attempts to remove a statue of Robert E. Lee from a park in Charlottesville, Virginia. Can you believe these people who want to erase the legacy of an American hero like Lee? They will go to extreme lengths to avoid hurt feelings. If we're not careful, the leftists will spread their participation trophy agenda and weaken the resolve of our children.

With luck, President Trump will help this country rediscover its sense of patrioti$m, one koozie at a time. The recent lack of regard for our country's institutions and its leaders has been utterly appalling. For example, do you remember that game show host who ran for president as a publicity stunt? You know, the guy who relentlessly promoted the lie that President Barack Obama was born in Kenya? I think it was the same candidate who belittled John McCain's military service in Vietnam from the comfortable perch that five draft deferments built. He even made some insensitive comments about a Gold Star mother. Thank God that clown has been driven from the national stage so we can get back to the important work of making sure everyone stands for the anthem.

The president has already suggested to his followers that they protest the NFL until the league mandates universal participation in the pregame patriotic ceremony. It's an ingenious plan, one that will no doubt prove to be wildly successful. Nevertheless, I would like to offer my own modest proposal to resolve this dispute once and for all:

Ban the national anthem from all sporting events.

It's the only way to make "The Star-Spangled Banner" great again.

Our spoiled athletes and the owners who indulge them do not deserve the honor of the performance of this sacred hymn during their pregame ceremonies. For too long, television and league executives have exploited the song to imbue their meaningless contests with a gravitas they do not deserve and a grandiosity they have not earned. They have also reaped a financial windfall from the Pentagon, as the Department of Defense has paid millions of dollars for in-game patriotic displays. Those elaborate flyovers don't come cheap.

We can reinvest the recovered funds into the imminent war we will be waging on the Korean Peninsula. Our president has already laid the groundwork; here he is bravely rattling his Twitter saber:
Any leftover money can be directed toward the indefinite military operation in Afghanistan. Ultimately, the best way to honor our veterans is by recklessly pursuing opportunities to create more of them.

The decision to extricate our national anthem from sporting events should in no way discourage us from continuing the conversation we are not having about perceived racial inequality in law enforcement. Let's keep pitching our tents on the moral high ground. Our servicemen and servicewomen fought to defend our liberty; every chance we get, we must invoke the memory of their sacrifice to protect us from expressions of freedom.

Keep spouting that bumper sticker wisdom. There's no need to stray from the ideological safe space that the professional outrage artists have kept furnished just for you. Why risk a moment's discomfort to step outside of your own experience to ponder a viewpoint that is not your own?

Deflect. Distort. Deny. Degrade. We're not trying to listen; we're trying to win an argument.

The protesting athletes don't have a valid position, anyway. They really need to check their privilege. We let them make millions of dollars to play a children's game. It's not like they had to work hard like our ancestors did. And all we ask in return is that they not hijack our national anthem.

The anthem isn't about them. It's not even about the troops. It's about us, and it's about ensuring that everyone knows just how much we support the troops. If the protesting athletes can't understand this basic concept, then we have no choice but to take the national anthem away from them.

It's a time to rise. It's not a time to stand for something.

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